Survivor Recap #1

My favorite reality show is BAAAAAACK! Survivor, my friends, is my absolute, 100 percent favorite reality show. And that’s saying a lot because my love for The Bachelor and Dance Moms runs deep.

But The Bachelor has been super disappointing this year. I’m already tired of Ben, and if I was a contestant, I would’ve already taken Miss “Supermodel” Courtney out back and rumbled, West Texas-style. Dance Moms is still perfect. Except, can someone please give Abby a cough drop or something? That scratchy voice kills me.

But back to Survivor. We’re only one episode in, and I’m hooked. Let me tell you why.

The Good

  • The two tribes are living together. Literally, the two camps are MAYBE five feet apart. They have to decide if they will share resources or leave every man for himself… or herself. And it didn’t take long for things to get shady. It became very apparent that because they wouldn’t be having to build alliances with the opposite gender just yet (I’ll get to that in a sec), chivalry flew straight out the proverbial window. Within minutes of meeting each other, a meathead from the Penis tribe began stealing supplies from the girls! And let me tell you – hell hath no fury like a vagina who has had her ax stolen.
  • Girls vs. Guys. PERFECT. They did this several seasons ago, but it didn’t really work. You can tell the producers learned from their mistakes. Both tribes are stacked with hotness, which is brilliant. Because the tribes are separated by gender, it creates a higher level of difficulty for budding romances or even if there is a need for them. Thus, the hotness factor had to be raised! With the vaginas only inches away, the males, of course, will begin to itch. I can’t wait to see some secret, inter-tribe rendezvous! But there has been some mingling already. There is one contestant who was less than pleased about the gender segregation. Colton, very flamboyant (I love him), has lived a life in a pool of girls he is not interested in. Now he’s forced to build alliances with men who seem less than comfortable with his chosen lifestyle. He quickly charms the girls, despite their enemy status, and, due to a stroke of good luck on his part and good fortune on Sabrina’s, receives the first hidden immunity idol.
  • Redemption Island is out. I really liked this twist in the beginning because it was really neat to see contestants get a second chance. But the additional challenges took up way too much time. I’m over it.
  • No more past competitors! I was stoked to see Russell and Boston Rob back a couple of seasons ago, and I could suffer through last season’s returnees Ozzy and Coach. But that was the end of patience. Bringing back past competitors almost guarantees them a long life in the game because they are automatically catapulted to a leadership position. I much prefer fresh boys to oogle at – not creepy, long-haired manipulators.
  • Jeff Probst. Swoon. He’s always on my good list.

The Bad

  • Water Challenges. We haven’t seen many of these in recent seasons. If they don’t start incorporating some more swimming, I’m going to be so pissed.
  • Underwear. This has been my soapbox for several seasons. Give these people bathing suits, please. I would rather watch Richard Hatch walk around naked again.
  • One hour?! C’mon, The Bachelor gets two hours. Survivor needs the same treatment.

Cast

  • Kourtney. I really liked her! But she had to be a dummy and break her wrist in the first challenge and get sent home. Bummer.
  • Chelsea. The girl caught two chickens by herself. She caught the second one with ONE HAND WHILE HOLDING THE FIRST CHICKEN. I’m done. Someone give this girl the money right now.
  • Alicia. CAN’T. STAND. HER. She’ll piss everyone off soon enough.
  • Kat. She seems dumb as a box of rocks, but I have a feeling that she’s more than meets the eye. Watch her.
  • Monica. Ex-NFL player’s wife. Why is she even here?
  • Sabrina. High school teacher. I like her.
  • Christina. Her and Alicia have already butted heads. I hope Christina does more than that next time and beat the holy hell out of her. One of the two won’t survive this duel very long though. We’ll see.
  • Kim. Texas girl. Bridal shop owner. She’d be in my alliance.
  • Nina. One of the oldest ladies. And she looks like she’s going to cry the entire time. I expect she’ll be gone pretty soon.
  • Colton. He will do a super job because he’s obviously a master manipulator. That is, IF he can keep his ducks in a row and not be too overtly cutthroat right off the bat. I predict he’ll burn a few bridges too early though and be catching a boat to the mainland.
  • Jay. Model. Enough said.
  • Matt. Attorney and HOT. However, he’s already a jerk. I can’t decide if I’m a fan yet or not. But I expect that unless a move is made quickly, he’ll go pretty far.
  • Bill. Hasn’t spoken yet.
  • Greg. Apparently, he goes by ‘Tarzan.’
  • Troyzan. See above. Oooh, the fights that will ensue. But they’re both old. So, eh.
  • Jonas. Asian sushi chef. He’d be first on my list for an alliance. You’re on an island with fish and white rice? Holla!
  • Leif. The first little person in Survivor history. I think he’ll do well.
  • Michael. Hot. He’s the one who stole the girls’ stuff. I like him.

There you go. Survivor is on CBS Wednesday’s at 7.

Have a BIG Friday!

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