When I picture my life 20 years from now, I am confident I will be a lady who “lunches.” I am also confident I will be a lady who begins her day with a mimosa and ends it with a bourbon, and I’ll have absolutely no responsibilities but “social” ones.
Let me stop here and state that I have never once said I was a good person – decent but not “good.” Don’t put me on a pedestal, people; I’ will let you down and not feel badly about it.
But when I finally achieve my “lady who lunches” status, there will be a select few people who I choose to dine with. Obviously my social calendar will be full, but even a social elite such as myself has heroes.
I’m slightly (totally) infatuated (obsessed) with her. My friend, Whitney, and I talk about Meryl in length and often as if she was our best friend. If America had royalty, I would without a doubt nominate Her Royal Highness M. Streep to take the crown. I imagine lunch with Mer-Mer (obviously, we have nicknames for each other) to be the classiest, most casual of all lunches. We’ll dine on a patio wearing crisp linen pants and big sunglasses, and we’ll snack on sweet potato fries and a variety of finger sandwiches. She’ll be terribly humble despite the fact that she’s MERYL-FREAKING-STREEP, and she’ll want to hear all about my life. It’ll be divine. And then after we’ll go drag racing in her Rolls Royce because she’s MERYL STREEP AND SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey
The original cast, mind you. In my opinion, this group of women is the best ‘Real Housewives’ Bravo has ever assembled. Atlanta entertained me with the weave pulling, and NYC has Ramona – the most entertaining woman on the planet. But other than that, I really have little use for any of the other Housewives series. I picture lunch with these women to be all my little Jerry-Springer obsessed heart could ever desire. Tables will be flipping all over the place by Teresa with the weird hairline, Danielle and Dina will be trying to out-crazy each other with their “love and light” crap while Jacqueline tries to restrain her daughter, Ashlee, and FINALLY Caroline will admit that she’s a mob wife. The best part is I can sit off to the side with Chris and Albie and eat some cannolis and drink copious amounts of wine.
A side note, the Dance Moms and Abby Lee Miller run a close second should the RHONJ be busy or deported.
Of course I’d be fangirling the entire time, but it would be worth it just to sit in her presence. Maybe my idea of the lunch date is a bit far-fetched, but if it doesn’t take place at the Three Broomsticks over a mug of Butterbeer then, of course, she’d go big and take me Hogwarts to dine with our favorite gals, Minerva McGonagall and Hermoine Granger-Weasley (oops, spoiler alert).
Isn’t it nice to have a friend that will appreciate a lunch at a burger joint with casual footwear? It so is, y’all. Ellen and I are just like two peas in a pod, and Portia is just a sweetheart. Ellen’s vegan, but she doesn’t judge me for inhaling some Prime USDA beef because she’s ELLEN, duh. She’s the nicest person ever and always brings a surprise guest to lunch (Sophia Grace and Rosie are my favs), and she never forgets to hand me a certificate for a free cruise as a parting gift. Best lunch date ever.
Schmidt from “New Girl”
Obviously I’m not an idiot – I know it’s really Max Greenfield, but I don’t think it’s such a bizarre request to demand that he be in character for all of our lunches. He tweets “Schmidt Tips” and is apparently just as obsessed with his alter-ego as I am. Schmidt is destined to be my BBF (boy best friend), and our lunches will be a mixture of laughing at poorly-dressed people and uncontrollable weeping over the Matthew-Mary drama on “Downton Abbey.” Also Schmidt is health conscious and will always concern himself with picking the perfect restaurant to fit both of our dietary needs. Tres’ considerate. It’s not often you find a male with such high taste in fashion and low tolerance for germs. Perfect.
Our lunches will actually be brunch on the weekends. In bed. Together. Spooning. In marital bliss.
Next up on The Biggity Blog is five things I would tell 16-year-old me!
Have a BIG day.