This post is the result of listening to entirely too much James Morrison and watching Nicholas Sparks movies on repeat. So bear with me.
While I’m really not ready for a “marriage” just yet, I think it’s about time I got the wedding train rolling if I’m going to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s husband-count by the time I’m 60. That’s the age I plan on being completely content in my singleness because I’ll be fully committed to velour tracksuits and gambling.
But my first husband can’t be just anyone. My first husband will set the tone for all future husbands. If I use my one true love on the first go around, then a life of misery and hopelessness will follow. Forget that. If I marry an Average Joe first, I will be the girl who wasted her first marriage on an Average Joe and died because of her addictions to prescription medication. I’m no Marilyn Monroe.
Do you see the predicament I’m in? My first marriage will be what makes me or breaks me. The first must be legendary. Sure everyone has heard of Brangelina, but everyone knows Angelina as the crazy chick who married to Billy Bob Thornton and carried his blood around her neck. People do not forget. Or forgive… creepy, homewrecker Angelina.
Thus, it’s determined that my first husband should be a celebrity. And I know what you’re thinking – Ryan Gosling. Wrong. If you’ll refer back to my point about marrying your true love too soon, you’ll know that Ryan and I can’t wed just yet. But it’ll happen. Oh, it’ll happen.
I really don’t have anyone specific picked out. I’m split between a highly-publicized young romance to someone like Zac Efron that will surely end with me breaking his heart or a quiet, civilized marriage to George Clooney that will end with me storming out due to his infidelities with Cuban callgirls. Really, I haven’t given it too much thought.
The really tricky part is landing a celebrity in the first place. We’re not all badass bartender chicks that catch the eyes of hunks like Matt Damon. On a side note, you go, Luciana, you go.
But I’ve got what it takes.
Ten Reasons Why A Celebrity Should Marry Me.
1) I’m from Texas. That might not seem like a big deal, but it really is. Texans band together, which means that we will for sure have an in at Matthew McConaughey’s bongo-beating, clothing-optional barbecue.
2) I’m really bossy. You won’t have to worry about me running our house and servants. And paparazzi? Please. Ron Galella knows who wears the pants in my relationship with the media.
3) I’m perfectly two-faced. Yes, we both agree that Tom and Katie are verifiably insane, but I can still charm their alien-worshipping pants off. Plus, Suri looks like a delightful little brat, and I’m sure she has lots of dirt on Victoria and David Beckham.
4) I dress well. No worst-dressed list for us. In fact, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before Joan Rivers names us the King and Queen of the Red Carpet. Our clothing line will be so fantastic. So good that we’ll have to create a line for poor people that will be sold at Dillard’s or maybe Target. But not Walmart. We’re not heathens.
5) I can cook. All of our celebrity couple friends will be so enthralled with my desserts. My Texas sheet cake is such a hit at Meryl’s soirees.
6) I have good taste in people. Why hang out with Miley Cyrus when you can hang out with Emma Stone? Only the best for us, boo.
7) I can be tacky. No one claims to have had an affair with you and gets away with it. I can be Harlem-ghetto quick.
8) I’m a private person. I would never beat you with a golf club for cheating on me. Sob to Barbara Walters in an intimate “20/20” interview, yes, but I’m far too classy to create a media storm that would ruin your career and shame you to the entire female population. You’re really so lucky to have me.
9) I’m pro-adoption. You know what that means, shnookums? Never will we have to deal with a pregnancy tragedy at the Golden Globes. It might be OK for someone’s water to break at The MTV Video Awards but not at the Golden Globes. That’s why we’ll buy our kids from broken homes and give them a fairytale lifestyle. Just like Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. Our total besties, by the way.
10) I’m really good at spending money. You’ll never have to worry about your bank account getting too full, darling. I would never let that happen. You know you can’t take it with you when go, right? It would just be terrible for all that good money to go to waste. Oh, and I’ll use it for some good too. I’ll attend plenty of charity functions in-between my shopping sprees at Kate Spade and Chanel.
So, there it is. Ten perfectly good, reasonable reasons why I should marry a celebrity. And, of course, I’ll remember all of you. Maybe not contact or socialize, but I’ll remember you.
Love you BIG. Kiss, kiss!