Tag Archives: celebrity

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Sometimes it’s so difficult to write. Why is that? Why does my heart race at the notion and expectation of recording my thoughts, rants, celebrations, and tender heart-thoughts right here in this tiny part of the Internet I have staked claim over, and then the very second I sit to do the one thing my heart and mind both agree is good to do, an overwhelming sense of the “I don’t wannas” washes over me?

Yeah, I have no clue either. I’ve felt rather clueless lately which is infuriating for someone like me. And I have this sincere desire to not care about any thing important. Does that make me a terrible person? Like, I’m really sick of talking about healthcare. There, I said it. I’m really sick of talking in circles about things I can’t control. Does this make me more of an adult or less? I don’t really care. BRING IN THE DANCING LOBSTERS.

Three things Sam is really tired of talking about:

1) The government.

My mother told me once to never give something or someone more attention than it deserves. Personally, I don’t think Congress has earned the right to raise my blood pressure. Our words are not going to change their minds. Stop yelling at them and start talking to each other. And guess what – we hire these people. My mother also used to tell me she brought me into this world, and she could take me out of it. It seems like the same principle applies here too… kind of. STOP HIRING THESE JERKS.

2) Modesty

If you’ve ever said a female deserved some kind of sexual assault because of her wardrobe choices, you might be an asshole. STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM. A tube top is not a sex invite, ok? I am sick to death of blog posts shaming women based on the width of the straps on their shirt or bathing suit choice. It’s pious and ugly, and every time a girl reads one, you have fed the patriarchal monster who says “hey girl, your heart, mind, and character don’t matter when you wear a miniskirt.” It’s not a complex concept – WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF.

3) Miley Cyrus

I was equally scandalized by her VMA performance, but can we stop talking about her already? Miley taking racy photos or sticking her tongue out is not news. Miley is doing her thing – get over it. And once again, WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF.

One thing I’m not tired of? BuzzFeed lists. MORE LISTS ABOUT PANDAS PLEASE.

Stfu

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Ryan Gosling comes for a visit.

You know when you think obsessively about something impossible happening and then you stop being a freak and get over it?

AND THEN IT HAPPENS.

Like when I spent a solid year of my life thinking that Ryan Gosling would come to West Texas? And then gave up that dream after we broke up because I fell in love with an Olympic swimmer. And then RyGos came to West Texas?

Now that I’ve blown your mind, let’s back up.

Friday was a normal day. I wore a cute new shirt that caused a ton of static and annoyed me. Normal, right? Nope. Apparently there were things happening 30 miles away from me that one could only dream of.

While I was slinging some knowledge on the minds of our country’s future (ugh, I’m seriously so perfect for him), he was busy on an oil rig researching a role. Let me point out that my dad works in the oilfield, and it’s in my blood. Hello? Perfect couple? I think so.

I know. You’re freaking out. Welcome to 12 hours of my life spent hyperventilating into a paper bag.

I’m starting to wonder why we broke up? Oh yeah, because I was tired of sharing him with Eva Mendes.

Ry… I’ll always love you best.

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Ten Reasons Why I Should Marry a Celebrity

This post is the result of listening to entirely too much James Morrison and watching Nicholas Sparks movies on repeat. So bear with me.

While I’m really not ready for a “marriage” just yet, I think it’s about time I got the wedding train rolling if I’m going to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s husband-count by the time I’m 60. That’s the age I plan on being completely content in my singleness because I’ll be fully committed to velour tracksuits and gambling.

But my first husband can’t be just anyone. My first husband will set the tone for all future husbands. If I use my one true love on the first go around, then a life of misery and hopelessness will follow. Forget that. If I marry an Average Joe first, I will be the girl who wasted her first marriage on an Average Joe and died because of her addictions to prescription medication. I’m no Marilyn Monroe.

Do you see the predicament I’m in? My first marriage will be what makes me or breaks me. The first must be legendary. Sure everyone has heard of Brangelina, but everyone knows Angelina as the crazy chick who married to Billy Bob Thornton and carried his blood around her neck. People do not forget. Or forgive… creepy, homewrecker Angelina.

Thus, it’s determined that my first husband should be a celebrity. And I know what you’re thinking – Ryan Gosling. Wrong. If you’ll refer back to my point about marrying your true love too soon, you’ll know that Ryan and I can’t wed just yet. But it’ll happen. Oh, it’ll happen.

I really don’t have anyone specific picked out. I’m split between a highly-publicized young romance to someone like Zac Efron that will surely end with me breaking his heart or a quiet, civilized marriage to George Clooney that will end with me storming out due to his infidelities with Cuban callgirls. Really, I haven’t given it too much thought.

The really tricky part is landing a celebrity in the first place. We’re not all badass bartender chicks that catch the eyes of hunks like Matt Damon. On a side note, you go, Luciana, you go.

But I’ve got what it takes.

Ten Reasons Why A Celebrity Should Marry Me.

1) I’m from Texas. That might not seem like a big deal, but it really is. Texans band together, which means that we will for sure have an in at Matthew McConaughey’s bongo-beating, clothing-optional barbecue.

2) I’m really bossy. You won’t have to worry about me running our house and servants. And paparazzi? Please. Ron Galella knows who wears the pants in my relationship with the media.

3) I’m perfectly two-faced. Yes, we both agree that Tom and Katie are verifiably insane, but I can still charm their alien-worshipping pants off. Plus, Suri looks like a delightful little brat, and I’m sure she has lots of dirt on Victoria and David Beckham.

4) I dress well. No worst-dressed list for us. In fact, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before Joan Rivers names us the King and Queen of the Red Carpet. Our clothing line will be so fantastic. So good that we’ll have to create a line for poor people that will be sold at Dillard’s or maybe Target. But not Walmart. We’re not heathens.

5) I can cook. All of our celebrity couple friends will be so enthralled with my desserts. My Texas sheet cake is such a hit at Meryl’s soirees.

6) I have good taste in people. Why hang out with Miley Cyrus when you can hang out with Emma Stone? Only the best for us, boo.

7) I can be tacky. No one claims to have had an affair with you and gets away with it. I can be Harlem-ghetto quick.

8) I’m a private person. I would never beat you with a golf club for cheating on me. Sob to Barbara Walters in an intimate “20/20” interview, yes, but I’m far too classy to create a media storm that would ruin your career and shame you to the entire female population. You’re really so lucky to have me.

9) I’m pro-adoption. You know what that means, shnookums? Never will we have to deal with a pregnancy tragedy at the Golden Globes. It might be OK for someone’s water to break at The MTV Video Awards but not at the Golden Globes. That’s why we’ll buy our kids from broken homes and give them a fairytale lifestyle. Just like Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. Our total besties, by the way.

10) I’m really good at spending money. You’ll never have to worry about your bank account getting too full, darling. I would never let that happen. You know you can’t take it with you when go, right? It would just be terrible for all that good money to go to waste. Oh, and I’ll use it for some good too. I’ll attend plenty of charity functions in-between my shopping sprees at Kate Spade and Chanel.

So, there it is. Ten perfectly good, reasonable reasons why I should marry a celebrity. And, of course, I’ll remember all of you. Maybe not contact or socialize, but I’ll remember you.

Love you BIG. Kiss, kiss!

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