Tag Archives: Jesus

His.

In the swirling, hectic busyness of my life lately, He grabbed my attention. He used three simple words to catch my heart, stop my mind, and breathe life into my spirit.

“I have you.”

He looks past my frazzled, anxious, whiny exterior and loves me to my very core. And while I weep in His presence from fatigue, confusion, frustration, and so many other emotions, I beg Him to answer why He accepts this hot mess of a woman.

It’s then that I realize He doesn’t JUST accept me. He is not a sorority and He doesn’t care anything about my “qualifications.”

HE CHOOSES ME.

He actively pursues me through every door I slam in His face. Through every ignored helping hand. Through every spiteful word or hateful thought. He chooses this woman. He chooses me.

I’m stumbling through this life in my own stubborn, independent way but He catches me every time. When I am too fatigued to walk forward, He carries me but let’s me believe I am doing it on my own because He knows how important that is to me. He looks at what I create every day and smiles.

He approaches every second with me the way a father does a child. Because I am His child. In the midst of my determination to do things right and become a successful adult, I forget I am still a child in the eyes of my Creator. He gazes at me with affection and warmth when I succeed and grieves when my spirit and heart grieve.

I can never grow up and mature beyond God.

And I realize in this moment I never, ever want to. I will never outgrow being His.

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Good enough. Important enough.

Before I could even walk, I had two trophies to my name. My mother entered me in a baby beauty pageant because she was very proud of my blue eyes and chubby cheeks and quite proud of herself for helping to create an aesthetically pleasing baby that was only slightly coneheaded. I’m still pretty coneheaded.

While my mother never made me do another pageant, my competitive nature was sparked and I threw myself into any activity available. In the midst of this, a seed was planted. A lie was told. An addiction was established.

What I did became who I was. Winning became an affirmation of my importance. I needed accolades to survive.

I tied my identity, body and soul, to whatever activity I was in the middle of. Why? Because I was afraid that without a label or title I would not be good enough. How could anyone love me if I wasn’t always in the limelight? I threw myself into every activity with the intention of winning. Winning first place, winning your attention, and then winning your love. When I was winning, I felt complete. Second place was never good enough; that was just the first loser. Winning made people notice me. Winning made people care about me. Winning made me important to people.

Talk about a lie from the pit of hell.

But it’s what I believed. I didn’t win for the gold medals or blue ribbons or because it made me feel good. I didn’t join every activity on the planet because I was some prodigy. I did it because I needed people to notice me and to feel that I had made them proud. Every attagirl was like a drug. I craved it. I needed it. I wanted people to need me. I needed them to need me.

Somewhere in my childhood, Satan planted a seed. He became a constant voice in my ear singing me lies hidden in kind words.

“You can do it. Win that contest. Then they’ll see how important you are.”

“You need to win. They won’t respect you if you don’t.”

“Join another activity. Exhaustion is worth being the best.”

“No one cares about your feelings. They care about how YOU make THEM feel. Don’t bother them with your emotions.”

As a result, all of my worth was invested into my performance. And the saddest part? I didn’t even realize it. I truly believed that someone was only as good as the awards they could lay at the foot of the Throne. I had this image that at the end of my life, I would stand before God and He would take stock of what I had done for the world rather than who I reflected to the world.

My favorite story in the Bible is also the one that wrecked me to my core. Martha and Mary. In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus comes to visit the sisters. Mary sat with Jesus to soak up every moment with Him possible. Martha, on the other hand, was pulled by what she felt was her duty to the Lord. Of course, homegirl gets pissed. Here she is in a hot kitchen cooking up a feast for The Messiah, the Son of God, and her sister is just chilling with Him. Martha storms into the living room (pretty sure they called it something else then) and demands that Jesus notices her labor and her sister’s lack. Jesus, being the raddest of all dude’s in existence, acknowledges Martha’s work because He sees the importance of that to her. But then He explains that she is cooking a feast He never asked for because HE is the feast. He didn’t want sandwiches or cheese and crackers – He wanted her to sit and feast on His presence.

THAT’S IT. ALL HE WANTED WAS TO MEET WITH THEM.

There have been many lies in my life, but the biggest one was that I had to earn God’s love and grace. I have spent my life trying to pay a debt and earn a spot in His presence when He already paid my debt and has a spot reserved just for me.

If you’re struggling with this lie, allow me to assure you that He sees you just as you are loves you unconditionally. His love for you is not tied up in your performance or in how the world sees you. Your importance to Him can best be summed up by the Cross. If you were the only person on the planet, Jesus still would’ve gotten on that Cross and defeated death for you. FOR YOU.

I wish I could say with confidence that I have overcome this lie. But I haven’t – not completely. I think I’ll always want the world’s acceptance and to feel important, but will I need it? No. Because every day the Lord is romancing my heart and reminding me that He has a purpose for me. And while the enemy will continue to dress up his insults in fancy clothes to distract me, I have been given the authority to turn away. Jesus will never hide Himself or His goodness. His love is ever-present and available at any moment because of how important we are to Him.

I don’t remember what it felt like to win that baby beauty pageant, but it doesn’t compare to the fact that I never have to compete for God’s love.

This is a guest post for Overcome the Lie. Check out their Tumblr, Twitter, or Facebook and get involved!

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Finish lines.

Remember when I made all of those promises that I will be better about updating?

Yeah… me too.

No matter. I’m here now, and I have big news!

I COMPLETED MY FIRST 5K.

Pause for celebration.

This past Saturday I returned to my hometown to do the White Buffalo Stampede (Welcome to Texas) with Sarah and Lisa. AND I ALMOST DIED. Despite training for five weeks, I am definitely not in 5k shape. But I finished and under the time limit WHICH MEANS I GOT A MEDAL. No one should be that excited by a plastic medal, but I definitely am.

Coming across that finish line was super emotional. Actually, I’m pretty much super emotional all the time, but this time was different.

For the past few months God has been talking to me a lot about finish lines. Originally I thought finish lines were the sign of the end to something, and, trust me, there are plenty of things in my life I would like to see an end to.

But God doesn’t end anything without bringing around a beginning. Scripture tells us that when Jesus was on the cross, He said “it is finished.” (John 19:30) The sacrifice of Jesus Christ finished and ruined the barrier of sin separating us from God, and in its place we received grace and the Holy Spirit that connects us with Him always. We are made new by His sacrifice and our commitment to Him. We are restored.

My 24th year of life is going to bring changes that I can’t even predict or imagine. Truth be told? I’m terrified but thrilled. I am the Queen of Plans. I have had a life plan since I was five years old. I always like to know my next step and to control what it is and where I’m going. But that’s not how God operates because He is not here to serve me – I am here to serve Him. Besides, His plans for my life are far better than anything I could ever come up with.

This year is going to be big. And overwhelming. And beautiful.

And for every finish line I’m going to experience soon, He’s has a beginning in mind.

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Day 3: 8 Passions

Yesterday’s nine pet peeves borderline on cranky (which I am most of the time), but today will be much more lighthearted. The following is eight of my passions.

  • Jesus. He’s the bomb-dot-com, y’all. I’m still amazed at His grace and love every single day.
  • Family/Friends. These people are a constant source of good material to write about. Plus, they’re crazy cool… emphasis on CRAZY.
  • Reading. I seriously LOVE to read. But don’t ask me if I’ve read anything that takes a lot of intelligence to understand because I’m still making my way through the Sweet Valley High series (just kidding, I’ve already read those).
  • Teenagers. Lord, give me strength. Yes, I spend 90 percent of my time with teenagers. And yes, I complain about it. But, in all honesty, I would be kind of lost without them. I laugh every single day. I also scream every single day, but we can let that slide, right? However, we are 6.5 hours away from Spring Break, and I can’t wait to be “lost” for a week.
  • Apple. Apple products, how do I love you? Let me count the ways. P.S. Missin’ you, Steve Jobs. Save a spot for me in the Apple store in Heaven.
  • Clothes. I’m single because I’m hopelessly devoted to my closet and my pursuit to expand its contents. I’m also single because Eva Mendes won’t get her grubby paws off my man but… whatever.
  • Fame. Look, some people are meant to be a worldwide sensation, and some people aren’t. You might be the latter, and I’m definitely the former. I’m not saying I’ll do anything to be famous, but I will do a lot. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a good person, y’all, but I’m not a great person. You really need to accept it too.
  • Gold digging. Ugh. It’s so much harder than it looks.

What are your eight passions?

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